GIVE OR TAKE

True love sometimes seems to be a fairy tale, because that appears to be the only place where the prince gets his princess, and everyone lives happily ever after. Sometimes in real life, the prince does get his princess. It’s just the happily ever after part that does not work out.

Most of us have been in love at some point in our lives. For many of us, Cupid’s arrow has hit the heart many times leaving only a heart broken into pieces. The damage seems to be irreparable, and the pain never goes away.

You begin to question the existence of true love. Then you look at lovers on the beach walking hand in hand in perfect harmony. Then you begin to feel as though there must be something wrong with you.

“Why can’t I find true love? Why do all of my relationships end terribly after a short time?”, you ask.

The answer is that there actually may be something wrong with you. Or, maybe there is something wrong with your potential true love. The problem is that to find true love, you both must be losers.

You must be thinking, “How in the world could you say that I need to be a loser to find true love?”

Remember, I said losers, not a loser. And the answer is quite simple. But before I get to the answer, ask yourself what the reason was that your last attempt at true love failed. More than likely it was because of some sort of disagreement.

What is a disagreement? Well, in a relationship a disagreement means to have a difference in opinion.

Guess what? It is completely normal to have an opinion. And absolutely normal to have an opinion different from your true love. That is what makes us individuals. The problem is that when differing opinions collide, one, or the other, or both will have to compromise their opinion in the name of love.

Now, depending on the situation, more than likely one or the other will have to completely disregard his or her personal opinion entirely. For example, if you are both going out to eat for dinner and your partner wants to eat at his or her favorite restaurant, and you don’t like the food there, then either your partner can side with your choice, or you can give in and side with your partner’s choice. Someone has to give (lose), and the other takes control (wins) in this situation.

I know I oversimplified the example, but it makes it clear that someone has to lose. I call this losing one’s self in the name of love because you settle for what you don’t really want in order to maintain a good relationship.

But, there is one caveat. Remember I said that true love is for losers, not a loser. The win/lose relationship only works if both partners are willing to lose; maybe not during the same disagreement, but it must be a fair arrangement of losing on both sides throughout the relationship.

You would not want to be the one who always loses every time there is a disagreement. And, on the flip side, your partner should not be the one who always loses in the disagreement either. Therefore, both partners in a true love relationship must be losers throughout the relationship. When no one loses, then everyone loses, and then love dies. And when one always loses, everyone loses, and then love dies.

Let’s take a typical bad relationship and examine it. I am going to refer to one partner as the loser (always gives in) and one as the winner (always takes control). To keep it simple, I will not make references to sex, but ask that you accept that differences in opinion can encompass sex also.

A relationship starts well between two mostly compatible individuals, with slight differences in opinion on various topics. Both partners get along at first, for about one year. But usually, one always gives in (loses) when there is a disagreement, and the other always takes control (wins).

Over a year or so the tension caused by always being the loser begins to build up. The loser feels that it is unfair and decides to not lose anymore. The loser is fed up. The relentless feeling of not being heard, or being ignored in matters of importance creates a barrier so thick that the loser feels that love is gone.

The winner does not even see that there is a problem because nothing has actually changed during the entire relationship. The loser always volunteered to lose, and the winner never offered to lose.

But the barrier is there now, and there is less communication or even no communication at all. Then one or the other decides to end the relationship, or possibly secretly begins looking for someone else while still in the relationship because the fear of being single again is daunting.

This is how a typical bad relationship fails.

In a relationship between two compatible individuals where both partners are losers in the relationship from the beginning, this entire scenario can be avoided. If both partners are not losers, then the all-time loser is going to get hurt over time. When this happens love dies. This is why both partners must be losers throughout the relationship.

So, unless you are prepared to be a loser, and you are willing to find some other loser who is mostly compatible, you might want to hold off on looking for true love, because in a relationship, true love is for losers.

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